By Yetunde Arebi
Many months back, I published a story about a couple who claimed they were forced to part ways because of their financial problems. I asked if money was more important than love and reasoned that where true love exists, lack of money cannot be a problem so serious enough to cause a separation. I met this lady a few weeks ago and she took me back in time for a bit. Fascinated by her position, I asked her to put it into writing for publication. Though, I have had to work on it, the thrust of her position remains intact. What is yours? You too can still have your say on this issue. Can love truly thrive when there is no money? Are all relationships about money?
Right from the beginning of any relationship, there is an objective and the bottom line is money. When a relationship exists between two individuals, it is for a purpose. The two are benefitting one thing or another from each other. It could be friendship, trust, companionship, mentorship, emotional support, material support, e.t.c. I believe there must be some mutual benefits involved on both sides, a need. One must be demanding something and the other providing. The roles might change with time between them along the line, but the interests remain. Where this does not exist, the relationship soon loses its flavour and both parties either close shop partially, temporarily or permanently. This has nothing to do with the gender giving or taking, it applies both ways.
To the main issue therefore, I will insist that money is more important than love. Already, we all know that it is near impossible to be in love with someone throughout your lifetime. Love fades. It is commitments and companionship that will remain. Sometimes, it is duty and responsibility that will make couples stick together and not love. If love were to be so important, then all relationships will end in marriage, all marriages will be successful, everywhere will be peaceful and the world will just be a love garden. But it is not so. If there is love at all, it comes up after a period of courtship. When a young man and woman start dating, both have something at the back of their minds. The man’s idea is usually to have a “nice time” as quickly as possible and at the cheapest cost. I mean, he only wants to have sex with the girl and go his own way. But he knows that under a normal, morally acceptable and decent circumstance, the girl will not agree to his wishes if he were to just inform her without prior “toasting”. So he coins all sorts of words to woo her. For the girl under this normal circumstance too, at the back of her mind, all she wants is a fruitful relationship which will lead into marriage. She does not want to have a “nice time” and move on to the next man unlike the man. In most cases, the two do not make these known to each other. It is only after dating for a while that the issue of commitment begins to come into the relationship. Thus, you can see that even between two young people, there is a defined goal and subtle deceit on both sides. Each is into protecting his/her interest. It is a business of sort. When people marry, they go in with the hope that it will be successful, they will have children and money to care for them and themselves too. Nobody wants to be poor or wretched. Money has been identified as a major cause of divorce, anywhere in the world. Why do you think most women married to rich and successful men never leave even when they are treated badly in the union?
The sugar daddy phenomenon, take it or leave it, is not about love but business. The roles and expectations are defined and are already engraved in the hearts of those involved right from the onset. The Oxford Dictionary gives the meaning of sugar daddy as a rich, usually elderly man who is generous to a younger woman in return for sexual favours or friendship. The old man or rather, most likely married man, usually doesn’t want to marry you, he is just having his fun, cheating on his unsuspecting wife. In some cases, he might be married but living single. He knows that going by his status, you are not likely to agree to go out with him, so he entices you with material things. The young, single girl on the other hand is ready to play ball as long as the gifts keep rolling in. When they stop, she finds her way to the next daddy. After all, what is a daddy for, if not to provide the necessary comforts to his child. Some ladies even go for “sugar grandaddies” as long as the benefits are right. In some cases, the old man might have even lost his libido. He may not be able to have sexual intercourse anymore and knows that it would be difficult for a younger woman to be with him. So, he needs to spend money to win her favours and company.
Yetunde, have you stopped to think for a moment why young ladies who have sugar daddies cannot discuss the relationship with older members of their families or people they know will tell them the truth about their actions? I am talking about ideal homes and people oh. Why do both (the sugar daddy and his sugar girl) do it secretly? I believe it is because they know that what they are doing is not acceptable in the society. The people are just condoning it because we do not know how to deal with the situation. Both are running a risky business, thus, they strive to gain as much from each other while it lasts. It is only in unhealthy setups that you will see a decent family rejoicing that their young daughter has brought home somebody else’s husband. Nobody wants a home breaker for a daughter. A respectable wedding ceremony is every parent’s prayer for their children, especially their daughters. I know that many may not want to agree with me. You are free to have your own views. Those who support this act are just hypocrites. They know the truth but are shying away from it to save their faces and justify their actions.
For those who will not want to agree with me, I know that their arguments will be hinged on love. But if I may ask, have you ever seen a young single girl dating a poor, wretched sugar daddy? NO! In fact, the idea of sugar daddy will be lost, because there will be nothing sugary about a man who can hardly afford to feed his family, not to mention leftovers to maintain a young girl with a desire or compulsion to be a big girl. Girls who settle for second, third, or whatever positions in a man’s harem, do it purely for the material gains. Thus, you see them fight each other’s eyes out when they feel that the goodies are not being evenly distributed. They chase each other with native intelligence and African assurance (juju) and create a frightful nuisance of “our” marriage institution. What many men don’t realise is that most of the ladies are just waiting for them to die so that they can get their share of their inheritance and continue with their lives, which may now include men of their age group.
There are a set of women who also parade themselves as senior girls or single parents. What many of them are trying to sell to the society is that they have no need of men in their lives or are committed to their careers or businesses. Whatever the reasons and arguments are, I believe it is a charade to cover up for their defeat due to lack of foresight and vision in the transaction called relationship. If they have no need of men, how come they made kids at all. I’ve never heard of such being possible without a lover or male donor. No sane person under normal circumstances would get pregnant for a man and then tell him go to hell. The truth is that she probably got pregnant for the man without his consent. On the other hand, she may have wanted to use the pregnancy to get the man to marry her which failed because she too failed to reason that it is not all the time that things work out this way. The man in question may even be married already and cannot afford the agony of keeping two women under the same roof or in his life. Since she may not be able to continue living with her parents, she has to look for her own apartment where she can carry on her activities. Then, the false life of single parenthood and career woman begins. Mind you, she still keeps this relationship, using the child where and when applicable, as a hold on the man. In the case of a sugar daddy, he continues to support her and the child. In the single guy’s case, he takes care of the child. For the woman involved in both cases, she dates other men on the sides to fill in her lonely hours. Whenever the chance to drop the charade opens, she quickly grabs it. We have seen numerous examples of these even among the so called society women. The bottom line is always money.
However, one thing you will find in common with most senior girls or single parents is that they have had strings of boyfriends in their lives. In the process of their escapades, they have either rejected their God appointed husbands by snubbing them because of their poorly status, or used them as boyfriends. When they now realise that they are getting too old to remain decently single, they want to hook some man desperately by force. Mind you, I am not referring to women who were once married then divorced. That is a different case, but then, it is also about money. A divorced woman’s need for money may even be greater than a single mother’s need because she might be stranded with more children and responsibilities than she can manage on her own. She would be stupid to start looking for a man who can’t fulfill those needs. Same goes for a widow. Those who do otherwise often end up worse than if they were single. So, this love without money idea is not realistic to me.
In fact, why do you see some women jump from one husband to another, leaving a trail of children everywhere they stop? Lots of women nowadays are just willing to have children for the highest bidders. One child for one comfortable husband is an investment for the rainy days. Can you call this love? It is all about money. The only difference is that the money is relative and how much is required varies among individuals. Even men look for comfortable women these days.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to state my own position. I love you and what you are doing. God bless.
Hmm! Please feel free to share your views with me. I’m really looking forward to them.