Haunted by his dead wife’s memory

Dear Bunmi.

My current boyfriend compares me to his late wife in everything even sex. I’m 29 and he’s 38 and he tragically lost his wife four years ago through a car accident. He has three children aged between four and 10. We met a year after he lost his wife and have been discussing marriage in the last six months. As a result, I virtually live with him though I still have my flat. I now help look after his children with the help of a relative of his.

I thought he was over her death but it seems I’m wrong. He’s talking about her more than ever.

The worst time is when we’ve just had sex. I find oral sex a bit off-putting but he talks about how she loved it and the things she used to do. It is awful. The trouble is I feel I can’t now complain since I’d kept quiet for a while now. As things are, I have to put up with a large picture of her in the bedroom too.

He says it’s for the kids and I’d feel guilty if I asked him to remove it. He’s told me that he still misses her and sometimes feel guilty for starting a relationship soon after her death. I’m starting to feel like nothing but a glorified baby-sitter to his children.

Henrietta, bye-mail.


Dear Henrietta,

This is a tricky problem but your man needs to separate his sense of loss from your relationship. It’s only natural he should have fond memories of a wife with whom he had three children. But you need to agree times when he can talk about his wife and times when he should focus on the two of you, especially during intimate moments in the bedroom.

If you find her picture in the bedroom intimidating, why not suggest he puts it in the children’s room? You need to meet him half-way with his sexual preference.

If you find oral sex revolting, maybe you should encourage him to teach you how  to be comfortable with it.



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