By Casmir Nnaemeka
Marriage is the union of two (wonderful forgivers that have the brain of a child) people who have made up their minds to accept each other’s nonsense, shortcomings without reservations dwelling wholly and entirely on their imperfection and placing value above oneself.
Marriage is not a license to sex as many people perceive but a choice to freedom and companionship that so many people refuse to see and understand especially some of the women, who when they go into the union believe that they are voluntarily walking into a cage and giving away their freedom and relinquishing a greater part of their rights and life all in the name of being a complete woman. With this mind set, sometimes it is very dicey to read and satisfy the woman’s wants and needs because she believed she has given in her all for almost little or nothing. The union is now based on how it is nurtured, groomed and developed, that only comes through a process called bonding. This brings us to Sex, Love making and Rape as a means of bonding in marriages.
Sex is the physical satisfaction of our fleshly lust (more like when pressed, just ease out), which does not go beyond the physical contact and in the process physical exhaustion and burn out takes place, no strings or feelings attached.
When it comes to having sex, there is no intimate feeling, no connection, no understanding. Sex is always one-sided, above all, no satisfaction because even for the man, it is like easing himself because there is a long gap between easing oneself and having a satisfactory orgasm.
Love making is the external expression of the internal feeling of love and care a couple have for each other and a constant renewal of the vow which helps to glue the bond of the marriage.
The different between sex and love making is that; you have sex with your body or better still, the external part of your body. While when you make love, you do it with your whole mind, heart, body and soul (internally). There is no way the word rape exists within a couple that makes love.
Rape is a type of sexual assault involving sexual intercourse carried out against a person without that person’s consent. It can be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent or a person who is unconscious.
From the aforementioned definitions, can it be said that Rape happens in a marriage? Can a man perpetuate the above mentioned crime (rape) against the woman he married?
NO, except from the word “go” there have never been a marriage, but lies, deceit and personal interest. Above all the worst thing that happens in marriage is when there is comparison, competition, third party interference (this is where we knowingly open our doors and invite trouble in the name of friends and or family to come and help us destroy our marriages in the name of saving and settling the marriages issues, this is because every other person aside the couple, is a crowd and distraction with an interest.
Any issue that cannot be settled by the couple, a therapist should be involved), when the marriage is by chance or a marriage of necessity not based on love. This is when you talk about contract and not feeling. Most times, we tend to forget the reason why things are happening the way they do (more like people reacting to an action forgetting the action that led to the reaction). Based on the union either the marriage or the contract we sign, the outcome or what it will give birth to is very obvious.
I do not believe that when people are in love, making love will be a challenge not to talk of deteriorating to having sex, denial and rape. This is because when the couples are in love, they tend to make love everywhere, ranging from the bathroom, bedroom, living room couch, kitchen and in the car and above all, love making does not have a timetable. It can happen more than three times in a day because it is a feeling you cannot control, it comes from within, it does not matter who ignites or initiates it the response is usually overwhelming and welcoming because the couple lives inside each other.
No matter the condition or circumstances, a woman has no right to deny her husband, his conjugal rights. The question is what are conjugal rights? Is it sex, love making or companionship?
Conjugal right can be defined as the right especially in sexual relations regarded as exercisable in law by each partner in a marriage.
According to my definition, Conjugal right is the communication, understanding, and constant acceptance from your wife which is always initiated, nurtured and maintained by the quality and quantity of value (respect and care) you place on her.
Whenever a man is denied of his conjugal right it means that he only has sex with his wife and there is a crack in the marriage because, when a man makes love with his wife and they have that companionship which most times only 5% of married couples in Nigeria have, it is very impossible for that word Rape to come up.
For a woman to deny her husband sex, which is even the most common and lowest level of relationship in a marriage means that there has never been a satisfaction, defined direction, reasons, understanding in the marriage from the beginning, and there are a lot of pending and (or) unresolved issues in the marriage.
The reason why communication, companionship and understanding and above all respect are the basis of the conjugation called marriage is because these help in problem solving and not deleting the problems. When you communicate, you know each other, you feel each other and you understand each other and appreciate each other.
In conclusion, whenever we talk about rape, we talk about sex, dissatisfaction, communication gap lack of respect and above all a Master-Slave relationship where no genuine value is placed but interest based value is the order of the day.
When we talk Love making, we talk about sincerity of purpose, understanding and feeling. This is because the couples are friends. The man will always know what her heart is saying and make it easier for your marriage ship to sail towards same direction. This is the reason you make love anytime, anywhere and always ask for more. You are not exhausted but instead, it rejuvenates and revitalizes you because every time you make love you renew your vow and your strength.
From my view as a Clinical Psychologist and my analysis above, there is no rape in marriage only high rate of misunderstanding and unresolved issues.
– Dr. Nnaemeka is of the At Peace Centre Abuja. (firstname.lastname@example.org)