Marriage: Specs Or Peace Of Mind?

It took me a while to decide on the title of this thread but then, it still somehow doesn’t capture the idea of my post. Regardless, here goes…

There is no denying that living together as a couple between most men and their wife is like a herculean task these days, no thanks to divorce news, accusations and counter-accusations thrown around on almost every social media platform. As usual, Nairaland is not spared.

I have so many married friends with varying degrees of marital issues and it often flies above my head how their issues degenerated so bad that they have practically become housemates with their other person. They talk when in the home, laugh once in a while but the mental and emotional connection is all but gone. For the sake of this particular thread, I will be citing 4 different cases of my married friends, of both genders then will also look at some wild-spec instances I picked or learnt from my unmarried friends. These are all real-life scenarios.

Case One:

She was 22 and barely out of school before she got married to her husband. They didn’t really know each other that much as a matter of fact but they got married anyway. Her reason was that ‘he ticked all of her boxes’ (which were basically money, a car and at least a 3 bedroom apartment). Hubby, on her part, decided to marry her because she is fair-skinned, gap-toothed and tall. Their marriage is about 6 years now and they have 3 amazing kids.

The problem?

The ‘male spec’ isn’t strong bedmatically, he cheats (has been caught cheating by dear wife in the past), not exactly the type who communicates and has a traditional mindset. Sex, to him, is ‘insert and out’, share grace and sleep, and’ the concept of intimacy/MouthAction is taboo in his village that if he does it, he might need to appease the gods for dishonouring them’. She has over 15 different ePDFs on ancient Kamasutra and once shared them with me. Heavy, graphic and detailed files. But he isn’t interested.

The ‘female spec’ is indeed a beautiful lady, homely but laced with hot blood. She is wild, adventurous and isn’t shy to admit or discuss her fantasies and marital sufferings with her friends, including yours truly. She is the total opposite of the ‘male spec’ and has or might have been cheating already. The last time she ranted about cheating and getting satisfied was about two years ago. Don’t want to go beyond this.

Case 2:

Let’s call him Dustin. Dustin met ‘his spec’ when he travelled for a project to a neighbouring state. Dustin’s spec who is now his wife has an interesting appeal. She is effortlessly fair-skinned, natural pink lips, a conversationist, and an emotional being. Dustin would not allow anyone rest about his spec and how he would love and adore her the day he finds her. Practically all the ladies in his life at some point were that way but Seike (not real name) was different. Anyways, they got married and a lazy Dustin who doesn’t like house chores other than doing laundry discovered that his spec of a wife doesn’t actually know how to cook and doesn’t like the kitchen at all. It all started as a joke until their families got involved less than 7 months into the union. Man wasn’t having it anymore and wasn’t willing to tolerate ‘his spec’s’ shortcomings.

On his part, he has always been a nightcrawler and marriage has not exactly nipped that in the bud. Perhaps the idea of going home to met an empty pot when he knows he can’t cook is not really appealing. Sure, he loves her but it is one petty issue or another. They are barely two years in and his great escape means is when he is travelling for projects.

Case 3

Call her MJ, the typical life of the party; lovable and quite open. As an undergraduate, MJ was an exco in her fellowship and was somewhat gentle. She was the tongue-speaking, gun-blazing, fire breathing dragon and must be present in almost all spiritual meetings organized by her fellowship, else, she is backsliding and moving away from God. She isn’t actually religious but churchy. In a social gathering, she is the first to request for ‘taju-taju’ even when she knows there was no provision for alcohol (this is only recent). MJ’s definition of spec was the now-famed TDH and boy, she got lucky! Or so we thought. ‘Her spec’ drips finesse. He is indeed tall, dark and charming. He is a quiet (well, so far though) chap who currently works as a manager in a financial institution and drives a pretty decent car. MJ works as an accountant and isn’t bad at all.

‘Finesse babyboy’, unfortunately, is a cheat. Man can practically adore a woman’s shadow just to ‘get there’. He is barely home and when he is, always watching football. They don’t talk deep anymore. At some point, she caught him cheating was ready to walk away from the marriage but she was talked into staying and that was where things went wrong. Strangely, ‘baby boy’ wasn’t exactly skilled and a churchy MJ never really fancied sex. However, the fact that he isn’t skilled in the affairs of the other room didn’t deter him from cheating severally.

The problem with the marriage is Ps 123:7 and they have been married for nearly 8 years. Her inability to conceive is actually his fault but the patriarchal society we live in pressured her so much that she broke and started an affair with a chap who is a friend of the family. It all started with counselling, praying together and the rest is history. Sadly, the chap she was seeing happened to have mastered some ancient body exploration that they met almost every three days. It got so bad that she started fertility treatment with the dude. The reward for the chap being around her was gifts, money and of course the free access. She finally loved the act and couldn’t get enough until a massive scandal rocked recently and she had to painfully let the guy whom she has been seeing for over 18 months go. Not sure the husband got to know the details but she told him while she wanted them to talk but because his sin were heavy and graver, he couldn’t bring himself to have a heart-to-heart with her.

They are currently making conscious efforts to fix their home right now and it’s been good so far.

Case 4

It just had to be a pastor’s daughter for Cole. He has always been obsessed with them for weird reasons that he didn’t take any chances the first time he set his eyes of Thelma. Thelma’s father is a Zonal Pastor in one of the popular Pentecostal churches around. Cole is our lead guitarist and a charming young man, though struggling. The day Thelma attended a mass choir rehearsal and played the drums like a pro was the day Cole fell in love. It was her or no one else. Long story short, they are married but living apart. Thelma is in her parents’ house while Cole had to temporarily relocate to make more money. His mother in law who came for Omugwo overstayed and ended up spending nearly five months. He couldn’t send ‘pastor’s wife’ away as he was scared to incur the wrath of the pastor. Strangely, sweet Thelma is still greatly attached to her mum that it made it difficult. He ran into debts trying to impress Thelma and her pastor father by throwing a big wedding he could not afford. They have 3 kids now but things are not as they ought to. What’s worse, he has aged rapidly that he now looks like a shadow of himself.

Budding Case

This is rather interesting than all of the aforementioned cases. James is currently confused and unsure whether to lie to the pastor that he had a dream or not. You see, he has a girl he likes a lot but they don’t even know each other that deep, strangely. James has talked to his pastor but he regretted he did as he could not respond to his pastor’s only question on what his conviction is that the lady is the right person for him. His response is ‘I just know she’s the one for me’ and nothing more. He has been asked to go and pray and has not seen a thing but he has said he might tell the pastor that he had a dream just so he can be with a fair-skinned, well-endowed lady with some puppy eyes.

My Point

There is a reason why the rate of divorce in Nigeria is high and increasing almost daily. Almost every Nigerian celebrity with a failed marriage always come out to pin it on abuse and other vices when these traits must have been seen at the earliest phase of the relationship and possibly avoided but the ‘specs’ fried their senses. Everyone, regardless of gender, loves a beautiful/charming person. However, this should serve as the basis for attraction and not marriage proper.

Specs will definitely not keep a relationship, let alone sustain one. As a matter of fact, one stops seeing that spec the moment you get to see the person often.

You can see a pre-wedding photo today and take a wild guess what the attraction was and you’ll be right. Strangely, all of the cases I cited had one popular saying; ‘he/she has changed is not the person I fell in love with’. Well, true that. you went for the spec and ignored those things that mattered the most. Imagine someone whose specs in ladies is a spotless face. grin. And then there is the beard gang category which almost every lady falls under.

Are specs actually bad? The obvious answer is ‘NO’. However, they shouldn’t be the basis for getting married. What happens, when a spotless face becomes riddled with acne? What happens when one of those straight, fine legs get amputated after getting married for just that one reason? What happens when pressures zap your libido and the primary reason you married is for sex?

I am not saying people should end up with the exact opposite of what they have in mind. Rather, they should pay attention to deep traits that will come in handy and possibly sustain the marriage when the time comes.

You read or hear about a particular marital problem and you can’t help but wonder what the couple talked about or discussed during dating/courtship. Marriage remains beautiful but most people marry for all the wrong reasons in the world. Specs won’t keep a home and it won’t make one happy forever. I think it is high time young people really sat down and learn to prioritize what is of benefit to them and their home; specs or peace of mind?

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